Green fingers

Let nature do most of the work, but help with the ecological restoration of Earth by planting.  Once you get going, you really will have green fingers (an old British saying of encouragement when you show an ability to grow plants).  Under this image is an important message for those that might need to know (for my relatives and friends).

person s left hand holding green leaf plant
Photo by Alena Koval on

Right, now I’ve your attention about planting, this is about đŸŒ±Â planting me:

Please Beloveds Do NOT have a funeral for me or a wake (admit it, you’re not a morning person) or a gathering of any type, but that when you think of me look at a plant or a tree…  I doesn’t need to be a particular tree to be dedicated and all that crap, as any plant close by will do.  For you see I am more of the earth, not so much the sky or of water…  As for the body I leave to be sorted: I want it to be returned to the earth [buried] wrapped totally from head to foot in a sheet (or whatever material is easy).  Don’t worry about the where to plant me, as it just doesn’t matter, for I will prefer to be remembered through nature, like I say a tree, a plant or plants full of pretty flowers…  Do you think perhaps the hole should be round?  There’s no need to gather as I’m dropped into the hole, for that’s pretty shit.  Seriously, it’s only a body!  Only can someone please support the one who does it, thanks.  Anyways, any cheap and legal place that is convenient at the time to pop me into, without worry just drop me in and back fill. đŸ„„

Let me see, do I have a favourite plant?  Ummmm, let me think…. (I will perhaps get back to this).  Hours later ~> I’ve got it: I do NOT have a favourite plant or child or friend…  so my wish is that you be patient with each other and yourselves on my behalf.

LOL, I’m just reading about DIY (Direct It Yourself) funerals and all the “collect the body…” stuff.  Oh that sounds like fun and you might want (but not need) a cardboard box {{{giggling}}} after all coffins are not a legal requirement, just don’t post me! 📩  Seriously though, only collect it on the day you have the hole ready to bury it in or perhaps straight away after I’ve died (before mortuary staff become involved).  It’s your choice, as I’m gonna be out of it.  If you inform hospital mortuaries that you are arranging the funeral, they can store the body until you are ready to collect it.  No embalming, it’s crap for the environment, but you might want to get biodegradable plastic sacks if necessary and Addis do a 90L capacity roll of 20, oh and buy some biodegradable tape too. {{{giggling}}}  I might leave some ready in a “Going away” bag. {{{GIGGLING}}}

Check list for the next of kin / DIY “funeral” arranger:

  1. Get a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) immediately from a doctor (my GP or one at a hospital) so you can register the death and that’s free.
  2. You can take my body now if you wish (when I say take, I don’t mean in a pervy way) {{{giggling}}} and maybe hire a van to transport me in if necessary.
  3. Actually, in the back of my old banger will do “seat down, ladies present”. đŸšœ
  4. Remember to get on with life though (feed the chickens, kitties…)
  5. List for registering a death UKRegister death (within 5 days) and buy 3 copies of the Death Certificate and jot down the unique reference number.  Take what’s on the List ~> and keep your driving licence on you, to show proof of your identity too.
  6. Contact cemeteries to find something that’s best for you and arrange to bury me.  Oh “Holy shit” some cemeteries have ‘non-resident charges’, sod that!
  7. Get someone to dig the hole.
  8. Bury me (I know you’ve not let me down before, but this time it’s necessary) and FFS Do NOT pay some vicar or whoever to ponce over where I get planted or I will attempt to haunt you Viking style! đŸŽâ€â˜ ïž
  9. Within 28 days report the death online on the Tell us once service, that lets you report a death to most government organisations in one go.
  10. Then just a little less urgent you need to read these instructions online with regard my passport and send it in the post to HM Passport office (read those instructions first damn it, no one wants a fake me, as one was enough).
  11. and return my driving licence to DVLA and inform them what you intend to do with regard the car.
  12. Tell the bank and hope I haven’t got much debt!
  13. Talking of debt, write to the Student Loans Company (SLC) to tell them I’m dead and thus have the loan cancelled.  Send one of those original Death Certificates with the letter to:  Student Loans Company, 100 Bothwell Street, Glasgow G2 7JD

About that hiring a van to transport me back in, you don’t have to, but if I die elsewhere and it’s a long journey bring rope so I don’t ROFL, thus distracting you from within the back and you ending up joining me!  Also it’s best not to bury me in the garden, as there’s all sorts of complications with that.  For example having to inform the police, so they don’t think you’re some sort of serial killer or that you’ve bumped me off.  A bit like the time I made a grave sized biochar pit that smoked and smoked, like some Halloween prop!

I’ve just read and need to remind you: ‘There is no law which requires that undertakers be used for any purpose. It would be illegal to insist that undertakers must be used, to collect bodies from hospitals or anywhere else.’ ~ Evans Above Online

colored pens on case
Photo by Pixabay on

Talking of funerals, I recall a director being asked what colour of felt tip pen he wished to sign my friend’s arm caste with (he’d had a motorbike accident) and obviously it was black.  Writing under the arm where my friend couldn’t see it easily: Get you next time!

Lastly: SPEND MONEY ON THE LIVING! (on things you actually need and stuff for the other beloveds, saplings to plant, treats for kitty cats, safety helmet for you on your push bike, indoor plants…) and that beloveds to me would be the best “Dignified and meaningful” arrangements ever.

My partner apparently wants: The same with no coffin as “You’d only have to chop a tree down, so don’t bother”, but that there is to be a gathering in The Club a month later.

8 thoughts on “Green fingers

  1. That took a turn to unexpectedly funny territory! 😀 I think I specified a carob tree in my own Will. It’s sturdy and hardy and may well provide nesting sites and snacks for critters. Thank you for writing about it. Important stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve taken a few hours altering it to suit and sent it as a link to a couple of family members. Carob tree? Interesting. There’s several trees dotted around the UK that members of my family and myself have planted. I’ve visited a few to hug as they grew and that included climbing over a wall and legging it back to the car afterwards LOL (my mother would be proud) LOL

      Liked by 1 person

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