Stupefied guesswork

Personally, I don’t do Christmas.  I simply don’t believe in it, but bare me out on this one, for I have a valid point that might help you.  What if instead of being a part of the craze, what if you viewed the hullabaloo like some sort of social anthropology study?  I’m now an outsider of it all thankfully and it’s really, really a hell of a lot more peaceful.  I can just witness how people rush around in this social inflicted panic and happier not to take part in the big Tick tock, tick tock, counting down the Christmas clock… !!!  Saddening times indeed, as I see such dreadful stress on kind faces, not happy, not joyful, stressed, angry some of them and all perpetrated to buy, buy, buy into it (and debt).  Oh and that dreadful thought to not fail the loved ones!  Wow, talk about nuts!  All these are just accumulated expectations handed down from generations to generations all gathering yet more rituals to fulfil as they’ve run us all down.  Traditions gathered from the recent past and perhaps practices going all the way back to some ancient long gone time of social gatherings, ready to swap unwanted items.

making gingerbread cookies christmas cookie cutters
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I understand it all though, I truly do and even love to watch someone bake and ponce up some tree shaped biscuits with yummy icing.  Plus, unless you suffer from dreadful social anxiety on the day trying to get into that party attire, gathering can be fun.  After all the ancient past and archaeological finds surrounding stone circles tell of it and I get that.  Perhaps even my own ancestors also set themselves up with challenges to fulfil some rituals and partied during the winter solstice.  For can we not all feel it, that deep need in our psyche for something cheerful during the dreary winter?  Something just to get us through the darkness of the cold winter’s shortest days and be hopeful for the new year.  What better then to light pretty candles, wear bright coloured clothes, bringing in some “yule” log and some evergreen twigs to counteract it, oh and have a cheerful food filled party (vegan for me), what better indeed?

adult alone anxious black and white
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Only now, what now?  For although I don’t believe in hell as a place, I use the word as an expression of emotion and know from experience that this time of year can literally be hell on Earth!  It isn’t just all the dashing hopes to get it all “Ready for Christmas” to get EVERYTHING or the expectations of constant joy and the bombardment of emotionally charged stories (Disney you know your trade well), it’s the reality that: We live together on a finite planet and people are buying things that no one needs or wants, while other people have none of their pressing needs being met!  Some needs are not easy or possible or even our responsibility to fulfil.  I can see the simple things though, that say if you know someone needs slippers, don’t wait for it to be a Christmas present, give them to them now damn it!  Seriously though, sadly you or I cannot always give to others what they need or want and that is also a reality.

You might want to leave the blog post now, only this is a dark rabbit hole to fall down:  People get so stressed this time of year for all sorts of reasons and not just because of the “Christmas” expectations, but for so many, many, many reasons and if you are so stressed as need to talk to someone, please contact the Samaritans or if you are a child perhaps phone Childline 0800 1111  For straight to the crux now, for the anniversary is coming up of a beloved younger family member’s suicide.  As he took his life just before Christmas.  The memory of it still has this dreadful feeling of sudden unwelcomed stillness.  The shock of it and also not quite, as he had made some earlier just as dreadful attempts.  You hear the words “… …” and there’s a total stopping of the universe to feel it in.  To realise it has actually happened.  A realisation of our own breathing and taking in that for them there is no more breath, to wonder what it’s all about, all of it, everything within a nothing, but that there’s only a silence for an answer to all the questions never able now to ask.  It isn’t our questions that are to be answered, when someone takes their life away for their reasons.  We all still carry on in a different way, in a {{{lost them}}} way and a space that is captured by only~to~fade memories, squished by these new ones, never to fill up to the brim with more happier ones…  and to carry on as we do and without ever actually knowing and only guessing reasons and actions…  and I hear the words “Merry Christmas” and turn my mind away from these thoughts of stupefied guesswork for to regain being in this moment and reply “and blessings of peace to you beloved”

alcoholic beer cars city
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