Fried Slice

This rough recipe is being typed for some fun like a story and being posted for Wise-ass Vegan.  As if I don’t type it now though, I might forget the details of the experience (some of which are silly and obviously come with a disclaimer).  Basically, I made wheat gluten to be like Schnitzel (not that I’ve ever eaten Schnitzel because…)  So the ingredients for just the Fried Slice I used Suma wheat gluten, 3 Kallo mushroom stock cubes, a mug of plain flour, some vegetable oil, salt and pepper, but in the method I also cooked other stuff too and this is what I actually did if you have the time for such a story:

  1. I came in from the heat of the garden (geez it was ruddy hot!) and put the kettle on to make a cuppa rosehip tea (to be ready for a well earned rest, feet up and to lounge watching a bit o’ telly).  Kettle boiled I also mixed 1 Kallo mushroom stock cube into just enough boiling water to melt it down in a cup, seasoned that and left it to one side to cool.
  2. I half filled my big metal steamer pan with cold water (could have been around about 3 pints) and put it on the cooker to start boiling with the other 2 Kallo mushroom stock cubes within it.
  3. I washed some broccoli, ate a mango and got that all over my face.. and noticed how filthy my comfy PJs and rainbow socks were from gardening in what I now consider as the best comfortable “normal” pandemic home gardening uniform.
  4. I added more water to the mushroom stock in the cup, to make it around about half a cupful and added that to about a handful of wheat gluten in a bowl and started to kneed it until it resembled the texture of the skin below my tricep.
  5. As the water started boiling I made sure the stock cubes were stirred in properly and using a pair of kitchen scissors, I cut THIN strips off of the gluten blob I had created, imitating the “plop” sound as I dropped each straight into the rolling boil within the pan.  Turning the cooker down to a simmer level, I added the empty layers to the steamer and put the lid on.  Sip, sips some tea as I wondered through.
  6. Turned on the said telly and played the theme tune to Beetlejuice for a bit of a jiggle dance as I looked in the pantry for carbs, then danced to the settee to sit down with a bag of potatoes I’d found to peel for the steamer, I started to watch a bit of The Durrells sipping my tea.  When enough were peeled I felt I had stiffened up from the gardening and reluctantly moved to the kitchen to put the tatties in the steamer, thus doing the same galumph after a few minutes later for the broccoli to go onto the top of the steamer layer to cook last.  As in jokes, timing is everything!
  7. I drank the last of my tea, laughed some more at the telly, let the cat in that was scratching at the window, let the cat back out because it asked, let the cat back in and found the cat just wanted to stand half in and half out of the window, so had to wait like some far too patient door keeper, but with a face looking at the cat of “This is the last time kitty, seriously, move your flippin’ arse!” (this is an as per usual for anyone with a cat that has the attitude of an Egyptian cat god).  Yes, I gave it a gentle nudge and smiled sweetly at it as I shut the window with it staying put on the outside!  For sod that, I am NOT the door keeper and the cat is not a god!!!
  8. Back in the kitchen, I gave the washing up my quick [you can just XYZ wait] glance.
  9. I then picked out the gluten strips using a slotted scoop and put them over a colander to drain a little more, pouring any juice back into the stock of the steamer, where I then added tinned sliced mushrooms.  Are you still with me?  For this is a story too you know, a pretty long winded boring one admittedly, but still this is what happens during a pandemic, people write about the mundane to pass the time, so keep reading because that’s the other thing people in a pandemic do too.
  10. Putting some plain flour onto a plate and seasoning that well with salt and pepper, I draped in the strips, coating them thoroughly both sides, as I put the steamer to one side, I turned the heat up and put a wok with a cup of vegetable oil in to cook a small onion (no really it was very small onion, about the size of the end of my nose).  As did you know that onion helps to stop anything sticking (trust me, it helps as if by magic, but there’s something more logical like science and acid me thinks).
  11. So once the onion was cooked, I scoop it out onto a saucer and added a few shooked floured strips to fry gently on both sides in the wok.
  12. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera a little cold water and cornflour helped the stock thicken, et cetera, et cetera… and it was tasty and there was some left over today, so I ate it like a cat would, by just using my fingers.  Did I miss any detail?
selective focus photography of black cat
Photo by Luis Galeano on

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